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Tatiana’s Travel Diary

Tuesday, 30 Oct 2007

MapI am happy to say that I journaled almost every day last week - for the first time in almost two years. As you can see I did not include the entries here. One morning while lying in bed I realized this and thought about why I had not posted lately. I thought about when I first began this page and was sharing alot of myself, all of myself - my experience, my feelings, my mistakes, my struggle and my adventures.

In considering this I came to a couple of conclusions regarding why my postings (and journaling) have been so far and few between since the fall of 2005; 1. I have been so busy that I let this way of loving myself slide. The years were consumed by the transition of moving to Ottawa, then France, the ship, then training, fundraising, securing work and then working. 2. Many things I wrote about or shared in the past did not happen the way I thought they would and so began to wait until certain things solidified before writing about them and so 3. I set some boundaries to allow myself to move through stuff before sharing when I wasn't clear or ready.

Oddly enough in the next paragraph (now replaced with this paragraph), I began to summarize all I had been through over the past four years and realized that wow, I need to take a look at it myself before sharing so have pasted into a word doc and will continue it as a journal entry.

All I can say at this moment is that man, I have never made it easy on myself, but that I wouldn't change the choices I have made or the life I've had for a thing. I have an abundance of love, of laughter, of friends, family and community, of incredible experiences and accomplishments, arts, culture and travel and admittedly I have experienced struggle, or tapas (not Spanish snacks in this case (although I have had those too) but a Sanskrit word for “that which generates heat or energy”).

In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali speaks of tapas as "the practice of conserving energy and directing it toward the goal of Yoga, toward union with the Atman." (the Universal Soul or Spirit) I am not sure if I conserved my energy in the zig zag path I have chosen however most certainly the heat I experienced - and the way I have dealt with it - has lead me to My Self and closer to union with the Atman. In everyday terms I could say that the choices I have made so far have left me with a nice tan and not a sunburn lol!
Although it may take me some time to realize and accept a challenge or struggle, I am aware that they are gifts and look upon them as opportunity for growth, to let go of something and to create room to experience more love, more joy, more peace, and light. I am also aware that the struggle is created by the resistance to grow or accept, whereas life flows when we are able to trust and surrender.

Just last week I was feeling stagnant, as if I had not “grown” or learned in a while and so I thought I needed a teacher, some guidance and I talked to God about this. Lo and behold I have been presented with several situations which provided me with the opportunity to either defend, or expand. I have had moments of resistance but am choosing expansion and in doing so am faced with the need to take stock of - and responsibility for certain ways of being, the impact they have on my life and those around me and the willingness to see that perhaps they no longer serve me and to let them go.

With awareness and willingness comes transformation and one step closer to bliss. Although if truly present each moment IS Bliss isn’t it? Yes, Tan it is. I know this and go forward into the day doing my very best to be present to each moment of Bliss, and aware of when I am not.

Deep breath. Oh yeah, I am on a journey, moving through something which will no doubt bring me somewhere, which I believe is peace, love and acceptance.

As usual on this trip, I am not quite clear, but I am getting there – to the heart of my Self.

Tatiana Ishwari